Monday, April 28th, 2008 -- The Biopsy Results

Dear Bloggy,

Well, what a month it has been!! I am worn out, emotionally... and I think physically. There's nothing like 4 weeks of fear to drain a girl of energy.

But, let me get to the point. Mimi, Jo and I went to my appt. with Dr. Sharlene Gill (oncologist). When she came in, she sat down close to me and made some small talk about how she knew this waiting had been hard on me and how was I doing? She then explained the procedure and how the radiologist had used the fine needle to take different samples of cells from the tumour, but had to be careful that he did not open it up in any way so cells could escape, should they be malignant.

The cells that he took did test positive for cancer. My heart and stomach dropped and I really did think I was going to faint. But, Sharlene held my hands and said, "Cheryl, I have a plan that I'd like to go over with you, so don't panic."

She has spent time this week conferring with other specialists, surgeons, colleagues, etc. and they have gone over the PET scan, all the CAT scan images, the biopsy results, etc. and all agree that since the cancer is localized in the adrenal growth, the recommendation is to surgically remove the gland and the growth. Sharlene is referring me to Dr. Menghetti at VGH on an emergency basis (his secretary called me when I got home and I have an appointment to see him this Thursday) and he will do the surgery. He is going to see if he can do it laparoscopically , which would be less invasive and the recovery time would be much faster.

Then, once I have healed from this surgery, Dr. John Yee (remember, he was the Thoracic surgeon I met and really liked and would do the surgery on the lung), said if the adrenal growth was taken care of, then yes, he would go ahead with the lung surgery.

Sooooo, it means two surgeries but I am so excited!!! We now have a plan!! And the fact that this adrenal growth is malignant, it does not mean it's a death sentence... so I am jumping up and down for joy right now.

I am going out for dinner with my friend, Doug, to celebrate... not to mention, I haven't been able to eat much for the last few weeks and now I'm starving :D

So thank you, thank you, thank you all for your positive thoughts and support. Ok, so it turns out it wasn't benign, but all that positive energy gave me the option of a plan, which was not an option at the last appointment.

We will definitely be having a Celebration party... but I'll have to wait to see what's happening with the surgery dates. We may have to have the Celebration party after the surgeries... but celebrate we will!!!

Ciao for now!!

Cheryl

Monday, April 21, 2008 - Adrenal Biopsy Day

Hiya Bloggy,

Yes, I know it's the evening of April 21st and I'm just getting to post on you, Bloggy, but it was a kind of stressful day and when I got home, I did sleep most of the afternoon away. That being caused by my taking an Ativan first thing in the morning and then another one about 15 minutes before the procedure... so by the time I got home, I was pretty sleepy.

Ok... the morning started with Doug picking my up and we headed off to the Cancer Agency. As luck would have it, the drive went fairly quickly and for some reason there was no road construction to slow things down, which is pretty normal for around the hospital area these days.

Anywho, Doug and I got there in plenty of time, I signed in and shortly after Dr. Bhugrat saw me. He is the Radiologist/doctor who was going to perform the biopsy but first he wanted to show me on the scanned images what/why we were doing the biopsy.

He showed me images from the CAT scans from 2001, 2006 and 2008 of the growth on the right adrenal gland. As far as I could see, there really was not difference... the shape looked the same and the colour looked the same. He then showed me the PET scan image of the same growth and it was lit up in a bright white, which is what has caused the PET scan radiologists to be suspicious and passed it on to my oncologist. She in turn, ordered the blood/urine tests to see if it was safe to go in and do a biopsy on the growth... and it was this biopsy that I had done today.

The procedure is done using the CAT scan machine. First he froze the area with a local anesthetic. I was on my stomach at this time. He then inserted a needle so far, then I would be slid into the CAT machine, a picture taken, then slid out again. This went on a few times until he said that the position I was in, my lung was too close to where he was going to insert the needle into the growth, so he wanted me to change positions so I was on my side... and we'd start all over again.

So again, it was a matter of re-freezing the area, inserting a needle, sliding me in and out of the machine and re-positioning the needle. This time he got it in and had to do it a few times because they wanted a few different samples. This went to the pathologist from the lab who was in the room as well and he prepared the slides, which would then be taken to the lab for analyzing.

The procedure took just over an hour. Pain? Hmmm... I'm not sure there was that much pain, although there was discomfort alright. The needle had to go through tissue and muscle matter, so I can expect to be sore for a few days.

We now have to wait until Monday to get the results and there's really no way the Radiologist could tell me one way or the other which way we are leaning. Adrenal cancer is very rare. Colon Cancer spreading to the adrenals is not common. So it's not like they have a lot of cases that they can compare this too, which is why my case is kind of complicated. On the other hand, I have had the growth there for some time. Does that work for or against me? Hard to say. Should it have come out years ago so it isn't there to become infected, or by removing it, would that just invite a new tumour to grow there from the spread... they don't know.

The unknowns are just too numerous to contemplate the "what ifs", but the biopsy results should tell us what we are dealing with. As I have said all along, if it's benign, I am going to be shouting from the rooftops and will be soooo excited!! I know we will still have to deal with lung surgery, but that will be something I have no qualms about. If it's malignant, then it's a road I just don't want to go down.

So even though the biopsy has now been done and the cells have been harvested, I once again am asking everyone to still send warm, positive thoughts my way! Send those thoughts that when I go to see the doctor for the results of the test that it is GOOD news we receive and GOOD results as to what our next steps are going to be. No bad news or negative news is acceptable.

Thanks everyone... keep hanging in there for me!!!

And for all you 1973 Grads who may just be tuning in to the blog now, Welcome!!! Hello!!! Long time no see!! And by all means, everyone can email me (hiyacher@gmail.com) at anytime. If I don't get back to you right away, don't take it personally... I've been a little slow keeping up with the blog and email.... and let's see, I think this week I'll blame it on the meds. Until I can come up with a better excuse :)

Love ya!!!

Cheryl

Sunday, April 20, 1008 -- Biopsy Eve

Hiya Bloggy,

I just want to thank everyone who has sent me positive thoughts and good wishes for tomorrow morning's biopsy. My friend, Doug K. will be picking me up at 9am (ok, picking up is pushing it... he will be driving his car out of his parking space and pulling it out front of mine, since we are just across the street from each other). We have to be at the Cancer Agency at 9:30am for a 10am procedure. I have to drink 500ml of water before I leave home and I'm sure they will get me to drink more once I'm there since the procedure is done with the guidance of a CAT Scan machine. The procedure itself, will only take 30-40 minutes. They will be giving me a local anesthetic and then inserting a fine needle into the adrenal growth to capture cells from it... and it will be these cells that will be sent off to the lab for analyzing. I'm not sure if that is the lab at the Cancer Agency or if they send them off to Vancouver General Hospital. It should take a week to get the results back, so I have an appt. with Dr. Gill (oncologist) in the afternoon on Monday, April 28th.

This is going to be one very long week for me, so I'm not proud... I have no problems asking all of you, my friends and family, to please think positive thoughts. Surround the right adrenal gland (small gland just above the right kidney) with warm, white light. Granted, once the cells have been harvested, one would think it's a done deal... they are what they are. But I firmly believe that thoughts can be so powerful they can change things even when it seems impossible. When it comes to thoughts, nothing is impossible. So anytime you think of me this week, even though the procedure will be over by 11am tomorrow, keep thinking those positive thoughts that the cells they have collected are benign.

I know all of your thoughts combined make for one heck of a powerful force. You were all there for me when we went through the surgery and they weren't sure I was going to be able to come out of the hospital... I know it was our combined positive energy that not only made that possible, but made it possible for me to get through the 8 months of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation with my humour still intact.

So let's do it again, gang! Let's prove that this little old (and I mean old, it's over 7 years old) adrenal growth is just a common benign growth. Once we have that taken care of, then getting through the lung surgery should be a piece of cake :)

Thanks, everyone!!

Huggggggs,

Cheryl

Friday, April 18th, 2008 - On the "Smallville" set

Hiya Bloggy,

Yep... it's going on 1am so what are the chances I am going to make this a short entry and head to bed? Hahaha... I do get a chuckle out of some of you, my dear friends, who are concerned when Bloggy isn't updated. Don't you worry... I'm not about to do anything silly... and if something were wrong, then I'd get word to Melinda, my dear friend who started this blog way back when this journey began... and she'd be able to let folk know what's going on .

But really, the last update was only 4 days ago, so I'm not too out of date. I've been much worse when 10-14 days would lapse, right? :) Ok... even though it's almost 1am, I seem to have a little schnauzer here grumbling about wanting her bedtime carrot. Just a second... I'll be right back...

... ok, here I am, back again :)

Well, since I last did an entry on Monday, have you all noticed the new look to Bloggy? I decided to give her a change. I'm not sure if I like all the dots or not, but I will keep it for the time being. Hehehe.. I also added the "Video Bar" on the left, where some of my favourite kinds of videos from YouTube.com can be accessed. I have set it up for clips from American Idol, Canadian Idol and Britain's Got Talent (in case you get bored reading my babble, you can always watch a little video clip or two) LOL!!

Anywho... here's the scoop. I have an appointment now for the adrenal growth fine needle biopsy. It will be done on Monday morning at the Cancer Agency. This is done with the use of a CT Scanner as a guideline so they can see that they accurately get the needle into the growth and are not taking cells from somewhere/something else. This procedure takes about 30-40 minutes. They want me there 30 minutes early for prep (getting changed, drinking yet another 500 ml of water, etc). I also will need a ride to/from... I'm not exactly sure why that requirement since they are not putting me under anesthesia, but I'm not about to question it. My good friend, Doug, who lives across the street from me is going to take the morning off work and take me there, wait while I get the procedure done, then bring me home. I will probably be a little tender and I will definitely have taken my Ativan... both for my panic/anxiety attacks, as well, the results from this procedure are going to have a huge impact on my life.

The results will be the following week... Monday, April 28th in the afternoon. That's when I will be going to see Dr. Gill and she will give the me results and then what the plan will be ... depending on the results. Mimi and Jo will both be coming with me to that appointment so I will have plenty of support from two girlfriends.

Meanwhile... I've been bouncing back and forth from wanting to be by myself until all of this is over and wanting to be with people. To tell you the truth, I don't think I know what I want, so it's great that my friends are just taking me under their wing.

Last night (Thurs), Jill, Shel, Jaime, Naveen, Emily and I went out to Port Coquitlam to the Terry Fox Theatre to see our friend, Lalainia do a one-woman show about her personal journey through Anorexia. It's a show she wrote and starred in. What a powerful show! There were plenty of girls around the age of Jaime and Emily (13-15) and I think this is a show that Lalainia should tour to high schools. Very powerful and the message comes through loud and clear.

Earlier this week, Steve Oben had asked me if I was going to be at St. Paul's Hospital for any reason this week (I have been to their lab for blood work a lot recently). The reason he asked was because they would be shooting scenes for Smallville at St. Andrew's Wesley church which is a beautiful cathedral/church about 2 blocks from the hospital. Well, it turned out that I DID have to have blood work done today and I was going to see my GP...so we arranged to meet.

Hahahaha... this medication I'm on to keep me calm is calming me down so much that it's interferring with my memory!! I got on the bus to head up Davie St. to go to the Doctor, when it dawned on me, I forgot the blood requisition paperwork that I need to take to the lab so they know what tests to do. Arrrrgh! So, I got off the bus and walked home, got the requisition, caught another bus and away I went. I had the appt. with Dr. Fay, then I walked the two blocks down Burrard. I no sooner got to the church and a lady walking 8 schnauzers came by!! Well, I simply had to talk to her!! Claudette is known around the West End/Yaletown/Downtown core as the schnauzer lady. She walks them, trains them, etc. So after talking to her for a bit, I took one of her cards. Not that I need another dog walker , Bridget has quite the collection now! But, you never know :)

Anywho... I called Steve to let him know I was hear, so he told me to come down the back lane of the church and he'd meet me there in a couple of minutes.. they were in the middle of filming a shot. Security let me through but they were hesitant... but then Steve came out so all was ok.

Oh my God!! Did I have a good time or what??? This was just what I needed to have my mind completely occupied!! I had talked to a lot of these people when we were looking after Kim a few years ago... back when she was going through her journey, which ended in May 2005. Kim was the Props Mistress for Smallville, so all the crew and cast knew her. I started a blog, not unlike this one, and kept it up for Kim so that all her friends/family out of town could feel close and know what was going on. We had the same tightknit circle of friends as her caregivers... who are now also circling the wagons when I need them. Anywho... the Smallville company knew me by name but most had not met me in person before. So here I was, 3 years later meeting everyone. Steve was a fabulous host... he was telling me what everyone was doing, how their part fit in with what was going on, how the cameras on trailers worked, the boom mikes, the sound guy and his soundboard, makeup, costumes, continuity... the whole thing. Now I do know the basics of how it all works to put a show together, or so I thought... but I didn't realize how much I didn't know, until today!! I learned so much!!

I'll put some pictures up here on the blog but I'll tell you right up front, no, I'm not putting up any of the actors. The reason being, the blog is like anywhere else on the internet and once a picture gets put up, then who knows where it might end or what someone might do with it. So I am not going to be responsible for any pictures getting out to the Smallville forums and chat rooms ;)

Here's St. Andrew Wesley Church. Notice they have the front and windows all darkened with tarps. The scenes were being shot inside the church so it had to be dark so that the lighting they were setting up on the inside was exactly how they wanted it. So all the outside windows were covered.

Here I am on headset. This was very, very kewl! Everyone is on headset, so you could hear all the directing, blocking, and discussions before the cameras started rolling... then once they were rolling, you could hear the dialogue between the actors.

Hehehe... do you think I'm make a good camera person?? Uh... where do you look into this thing? Oh right... yes, well I'm now taking a picture of the wall!!

I love this window... and oh the magic of Hollywood! This is an actual window in the church, but these windows are actually clear class with etchings. So the lighting guys/gals have actually put gelled lights behind them so they look like they are coloured... and then the reflections on the walls where the filming is taking place is real eerie, which is the mood for the scene in the church.

Here's John. He's the visual effects guy. He does his magic with what has been filmed and then adding computer wizardry. What a fascinating job! And a nice guy to boot :)

Ok, this is just me again, and yes, I'm still on headset although I think they are hard to see in this picture. Why I'm posting it is, you will see some hand drawn pictures on the wall behind me. These are the storyboards. The director will sit with the storyboard artist and they will go through what shots are needed and these are posted in order. But they are not necessarily shot in order... as a matter of fact, they are not shot in order at all. Since they had the church for 3 days, they had to shoot all the interior and exterior shots that they would need and they would not necessarily be in order depending on what was needed for a particular scene (or who). But each time one is shot, then it is checked off... so the storyboard is almost like a mini-cheat sheet :)

This is Ken Biller, the director of this episode. Every episode has it's own director and it is not always the same director for the whole season. Some directors will do 2 or 3 episodes, some will only do 1. Meanwhile, Mairzee (I took a picture of her but it turned out too dark!!) is the AD (Assistant Director) and she is the one who does all the scheduling and making sure the scenes are shot on time. It never stops because time is money... big money!

Ok, here is another example of the window on the left being lit from behind with gels over lights... whereas the window on the right isn't lit with coloured gels. Interesting, no?

Now here are the windows that are white and not lit with gels and lights. Quite the difference, isn't it?

Earlier I had mentioned sound, where I had a portable headset where I could listen to everything that is going on. Well here is the portable soundboard where the sound is cleaned up... background noise is removed, voices are brought up if need be. Steve was also telling me where sometimes a word or phrase might be muffled... so the actor has to do a "loop" where they replace the word, but it has to match their lips, etc.

So that's it for pictures from my day on the set... I'm now starting to fall asleep (these meds are marvelous that way). I had an absolutely fabulous day!! It's been a long time since I spent the afternoon not only enjoying where I was (that's not unusual), but actually absorbing and learning. I feel like there's so much more for me to learn... so Steve says that he will bring me back on set again (yayayayaya! Smoooooch to Steve!)

Hahaha... but I must say, I could slap myself upside the head! I left the set because by that time I had been standing on my feet for 3 hours and those goofy nerve damaged feet were starting to rebel big time! So, I walked the 3 blocks back to Davie and went to the FountainHead Pub for some late lunch. I got there and Jeanine had no sooner set my diet coke in front of me when, voila! I see the blood requisition paper that I had had to go back home for way back in the morning, being used as a bookmark in my book!! I had totally forgotten to go get my bloodwork done which was the whole reason I was going to be up in this area!! Arrrrrrgh! So I told Jeanine I would be back but I had to go get the bloodwork done before the lab closed. Sheesh!! Could you imagine me showing up for my biopsy procedure on Monday and no, I didn't do the required bloodwork?? But that's what I mean about the meds doing a big number on my memory.

Anywho... I did get it done, came back and had something to eat, then hopped on a bus home. But my poor feet...they are as good as broken!! That was definitely too much standing on them and it's going to take a couple of days for them to get over it... and I may have to go back to using the cane again. Oh well ;)

Hahahaha.. meanwhile, can you believe it??? April 18th and Vancouver got SNOW tonight!! Yep, even the little munchkin had to get dressed up for outing into the elements tonight... not that she wanted to go ou...

She's such a sleepy snow-dog!!! :D

Ok... it's now after 2am so I really must go to bed!! I have to get up at a decent hour in the morning because I'm actually going to take a class in card-making at the Scrapbook Warehouse. I'm looking forward to this class and let's hope that my faulty memory doesn't' interfere.

So, I'll sign off now... and still, am asking that everyone send out BENIGN! BENIGN! BENIGN!! positive energy to that adrenal gland... I thank you all for doing this. Remember... when it comes back officially benign, there will be a Benign Celebration Party!! :)

Huggggggs,

Cheryl

Monday, April 14, 2008 - Tapping and weekend pictures

Hi Bloggy,

The weekend has come and gone and a fine weekend it was. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster and probably will be until I can figure out what exactly is going on and how I fit into this big picture.

Well, I was going to type up a nice long babbling blog entry to explain a little more about how I'm feeling on a personal level vs all the various "medical jargon" that gets thrown around. From a medical point of view... there is no new news. The last appt. I had
was on Thurs and that was the same day Jo and I went to the appt. and had that awful experience with David the Intern. We know the interns need to practice their communication skills with real patients and I have had no problem with this before, knowing not to take anything they say at face value... I just nod and smile and comment, "Dr. Gill will be coming in soon, won't she?" which of course, she always does. This was the first time we asked the intern to leave. He had upset me so much with his terminology or lack of it, total lack of compassion, using words that would scare the strongest of souls (you do not go around referring to anything as malignant unless you know for sure 1) it is malignant and 2) you know the patient knows it is). Anywho... thanks to David, that did bring on an anxiety attack and even though I now have medication to keep the edge off, I am not about to feel ok or safe until I know for sure what is happening with the adrenal growth and that it IS benign.

Hehehe... I wish I had the last blog entry side by side to this one I'm typing up so that I don't end up duplicating and saying the same things. That is one thing I have learned about myself throughout all of this... I seem to repeat the same information over and over again. Now, in my defense, part of that comes from friends/family emailing me and asking how I'm doing and/or is there any new news... rather than coming here and checking the blog first. I don't mean to sound cranky, but I remember when I was keeping a blog for our dear friend Kimberley, I had the energy to keep the blog up to date as well as answer questions that came in from her friends... it makes a huge difference when it's not yourself you are talking about. This has been a real eye-opener for me!! Me?? Who loves to talk?? But as much as I find doing the blog therapeutic, it amazes me how tiring it is when talking about stuff that is real... is happening to ME. And then, more recently... when thinking of the possibilities of what could be taking place, then just thinking about them can cause anxiety attacks. So bear with me gang... I DO love getting all the emails of support and just chit-chatty emails from friends, but if you ask if there's any new news or tell me that you haven't had time to check the blog so could I catch you up with the latest, please don't take it personally if I say, "Hey, it's all there and won't be going away, so when you get the time, do check out the blog." I just can't write it out all over again in an email :(

So, tonight I was going to babble about the fun weekend I had... which turned out to be a great distraction. On Friday night, my friends, Shel and Jill had a Magnolia Party BBQ and, as weather would have it, we lucked out! The skies cleared up around 4pm and by 6pm we had sunny, clear skies. Still, a tad bit nippy out, but perfectly fine for cooking outside and then eating inside. It was great to see some friends who will all be working down at Theatre Under The Stars again this year, plus there were new (new to me) folk there who were people that worked with Shel at Infinity Films. A great mix of people and we all had a fun evening. Here are a couple of pics from Friday night:

James Pollard (General Manager of TUTS) and Inga Pedersen (Stage Manager of "Annie Get Your Gun")

Jill (behind the tulips), Naveen and Inga.

Now isn't this adorable?? These children were not only adorable, but were amazing at keeping themselves amused... and then, just before Mom and Dad said it was time to get ready to go home, they got changed into their jammies for the ride home :)

On Saturday, Jo and I went to the opening night of Royal City Musical Theatre's production of West Side Story. They did a fabulous job, as RCMT always does! Ok, what cracked me up, was afterwards, at the Opening Night reception, you know how people all crowd around the tables of food? Well here, they actually had tables built around girls, who wandered throughout the after-show crowd so there was food mingling all night long ... here's a picture of what I mean:



Ok... Sunday it was off to Maple Ridge, which is about an hour's drive from Vancouver. It was Steve's birthday on Friday so his parents were having the Sunday birthday dinner and we all had a wonderful time!! Jo and I went out together because it is a little bit too long of a drive for me right now... but the weather held out, so it was great! A good time was had by all and it was actually the first day that I was calm enough that I wasn't feeling the roller coaster. As a matter of fact, Steve's sister, Sandra is trained in "tapping" which is freeing up emotions by using accupressure points but without the needles (check out emofree.com which is an excellent site with lots of information). Anywho... I'm just going to put up a few pictures here and then it's time for me to go to bed. I am really tired (gee, it might have something to do with the Ativan I took 20 minutes ago) and I want to do some visualization exercises before I go to sleep.

So, from Sunday's party...

Steve, the birthday boy in the gray and Daryl, his brother.

4-year old Stephanie and Bridget. Bridget was so good... Stephanie and her played for hours! Of course, it did help that Stephanie had a bag of Bridget's treats -- Snap Peas and Cauliflower pieces :)

Cousin Debbie, Don and the little diva, Bridget.

Well, here is half the dinner party... as you can see, when we all get together we have to have a large, large extended table or three :)

I don't mind this picture but hello... has the comb been invented yet?? It would be nice if I had put a comb through my hair. This is towards the end of the evening and even I can tell I'm starting to get a little on the tired side ;)

And here is the little diva, just so pleased with herself that she could run around the backyard at great speeds... then just lie down on the grass to cool off. Needless to say, after all her partying yesterday, she's been pretty much a slug today and sleeping all day :)

Well, I was going to talk more about visualizations and self-healing through visualizing. I'm about to start that up again. It was something I have always believed in. Our bodies are made up of so much energy and it's amazing the power we have to visualize and repair the energy that may be broken. So, along with the traditional medicine I will also be getting more into Tapping with Sandra and doing a lot of self-healing through visualization. But more on that later. I must go to bed now.

Nighty-night!

Cheryl

Thursday, April 10, 2008 -- Anxiety is NOT Fun

Hi bloggy,

I know a few of you have written to subtly remind me that I have not updated the blog in over a week. There was nothing new to report as far as my health was concerned and although I had a few things I was going to update in the way of pictures and babble, I have to admit, I didn't quite get in the mood to do that.

But the title of today's entry is Anxiety is NOT Fun. I don't know how many of you have had anxiety attacks before or not, but these are relatively new for me. The only anxiety attack I can remember having was when I was at St. Paul's hospital in Dec 2006 and Dr. Brown (surgeon) wanted to check to see if he could find out what was causing the inflammation/blockage of the intestine. I thought this was going to be a routine checkup/scopy and the end result ended up being that he told me he didn't want me to leave the hospital.. that he wanted to admit me right then and there for surgery. I told him that I had to go home and make arrangements for my dog and he gave me an hour ... that I was to be back within the hour. Well, that is the first time I have ever felt a Panic/Anxiety attack and it was horrible... but Mimi and Nathan were home (upstairs) so they got me ready and took me back to the hospital; Greg came over and stayed with Bridget; and I don't know how word got out so fast, but by that evening Dad/Pat were at the hospital and soon after the care team of friends showed up and were with me every day.

Well, the anxiety/panic attacks are back... and they are so foreign to me. I have never been one to be nervous or anxious over things... but once again, they are rearing their ugly head. It seems they fluctuate between terror/fear and then the emotional roller coaster of tears where I will just break out in tears at something that one wouldn't think you would cry over. In other words, there's no rhymne nor reason to when the tears come... although, my intellect does know that a lot of this can be caused by stress.

Right now, I am going through the toughest time of my life. You all might have thought that going through the surgery, then the chemo and those 6 weeks of radiation last spring would have been the toughest time. But the reason I can say it wasn't is because each of those things there was a problem and a plan and treatment that one followed through with. That works for me... tell me what the problem is, what we have to do to fix it, what can I expect from the treatment and then let's do it. I can keep my chin up pretty good during stuff like that because we are getting the problem fixed.

But right now... it is terrifying. We have to find out what exactly the problem is and then depending on what the problem is, that will determine if there is a solution for fixing it. I just assume that if you are sick, or if they find something, then great... they found it, now let's fix it. But cancer doesn't work that way. Sometimes, especially if you catch it early, there can be a fix and it can be eliminated. Other times, if it's caught later, then there's the chance it will reoccur, in which case sometimes it can be fixed, sometimes not. Then there are the cases where there's a high risk of it reoccurring and depending where it starts up again will determine whether or not it can be fixed or not.

In my case, Colon Cancer is one of those nasty cancers that do have a high risk of reoccurring and depending on where it might start up again, pretty much determines whether it can be fixed a second or third time. When the doctors do find a new spot or tumour, then a bunch of tests have to be taken to see if they can figure out if this is a secondary colon cancer (colon cancer most commonly spreads to the liver and/or the lung, so if it spreads to either of these places then tests would be taken to see if it is the colon cancer that has spread and it would then be classified as a secondary colon cancer, and not seen as lung cancer or liver cancer). With me so far?

So, I have the small 1/2 inch tumour in my lung that was found on the PET scan (full body scan) and one can assume that it is a secondary colon cancer, with the original cancer having spread to the lung. But there's no way of knowing if it is a secondary colon cancer or if it is actually a new primary lung cancer (IE: has nothing to do with the colon cancer, but is a cancer that may have sprung up on it's own possibly due to my years of smoking way back when).

Ok, if this is all we were dealing with, then the problem would be - small lung tumour. Solution - surgically remove the tumour and surrounding tissue, at which time the tumour would then be sent to pathology and they would then be able to find out if it's a primary lung cancer or a secondary colon cancer... but all might be good now because it has been removed.

Where it is tricky in my situation, the PET scan lit up for the lung tumour, but it also lit up for the adrenal gland. Now the adrenal gland does have a growth. We know I've had it for at least 7 years and it has not grown, changed size, done anything... so it has been considered benign. Benign adrenal glands are very, very common and most, if found, are found accidently when a scan for something else in the area is done. So we knew I had this adrenal growth but NOW it lit up the PET scan, so this is of great concern to the oncologist and the surgeon.

The reason being... IF it IS malignant, then that means either the colon cancer has spread to the adrenal AND to the lung; or, if the lung tumour is a primary lung cancer, then it may have spread from the lung to the adrenal gland. If the adrenal growth is malignant, then it is a spread from either the colon cancer or the lung cancer... and this is NOT a good thing. That would mean that either the colon cancer or the lung cancer is widespread, which means that I either have advanced colon cancer or advanced lung cancer.

And this is where I'm freaking out and why the panic/anxiety attacks. IF I have either advanced staged cancer, then the treatment plan would not be to go in and surgically remove the lung tumour or the adrenal tumour... the plan would be to administer palliative chemo or palliative radiation to slow down the progress of the growth. The prognosis for either... would be about 2 years.

So, for anyone reading this blog, you can pretty much understand that it doesn't matter that anxiety/panic attacks don't help... these are something you don't have control over. When I even give thought to the possibility of knowing my days could be numbered to under 2 years, the anxiety is right back there. Oh sure, none of us knows when we are going to die and any one of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow and that would be that... but what are our chances of that happening? Which is why we don't think about it, nor do we panic about it. But I am waiting for a needle biopsy of the adrenal growth and that will tell us for sure whether we are dealing with a benign tumour or a malignant one... and if it is malignant, then it doesn't really matter whether it's the colon cancer spread or a lung cancer spread... as far as the prognosis for life. The biopsy will tell because of the cells it extracts and depending what kind it is will determine the kind of chemo they would use.

Anywho... I need all of your positive thoughts big time... even more so than before. I need you all to be thinking and willing that the adrenal tumour is benign. BENIGN BENIGN BENIGN!! Oh my God... that would be like winning the lottery and you all would hear me from the corners of the earth! If the adrenal is benign, we would just put it aside and not worry about what we are going to do with it for now... but would go surgically after the lung tumour.

My girlfriend, Jo, came with me to today's very emotional appt. It started with one of the "interns" coming in to talk to me before Dr. Gill. His name was David... and let me tell you, it was him that triggered off my tears. He may be a straight A student, very book-smart and all of that... but does not have a clue how to deal compassionately with patients who are under a lot of stress. It's not that he was intentionally trying to hurt anyone, but he just didn't have a clue. I think between me letting him know I was not happy and I think Jo may have given him a sign that now would be a good time for him to leave the room and we would just wait for Dr. Gill.

I can't even begin to explain the difference between Dr. Sharlene Gill and David the intern. Sharlene knows her stuff, is brilliant, but at the same time is compassionate and looks in your eyes, reading the fear/terror and calms you down. Then we went over all the procedures and why we were doing what we were doing and why it was taking longer.

So, now my mind is getting a bit muddled... not sure if I've already written this down but here's what we are in the process of doing:

1) Waiting for the blood test result (this one takes a week or longer for the lab to do it) that will let us know if the adrenal growth is safe to do a fine needle biopsy. This is the test we still don't have the results for yet.

2) Dr. Gill is going to set book a fine needle biopsy appt. although I'm not to go to it until I have checked with her to see if that blood test result has come in.

3) The biopsy result will determine my fate, basically... and that will be one either super happy appt or one terrifying one.

Ok... I know this is long and I hope I haven't missed out any news, but I have to admit I'm tired now after writing this all up. After my appt. with Dr. Gill, I then went to see my GP because the waterworks were just coming on and off, even when I was driving home. So he sat me down and reminded me that I have been through a hell of a lot of various health issues and he has never understood how I have managed to keep such a brave face... so these tears and emotions are showing that I am, in fact, human. At the same time, he says that no one should have to live their life in fear and terror while waiting for what happens next. He says that we will meet each hurdle head on, like we have every other hurdle I've had thrown at me... and in the meantime, there's nothing wrong with accepting a little medication help so that I am not being terrorized.

He had prescribed .5mg Ativan (fast-acting anti-depressent med) for me to take on an as needed basis. But today he prescribed me a 1mg Ativan tablet, three times/day until we get the results of the biopsy. The biopsy itself may not be for another two weeks. So he says if I take this med as he's prescribed then I should be pretty mellow and I won't feel the sharp edges of fear and terror.

I know I'll be able to get rid of the meds if the biopsy comes back saying the growth is benign! :)

Cheryl

Monday, March 31st, 2008 - another update

Hiya Bloggy,

It's getting a little late but I thought I would try to do an update tonight rather than wait until tomorrow. Call it superstition, but something about posting a blog update on April Fool's Day just doesn't seem right.

Sometimes I wish this was all one big joke or prank, but it's not... and it's not too often you will hear me getting all quiet and serious. But, I have had a kind of rough weekend. I'm trying to think what the timing has been but I guess it started with the other week when Jo and I went to my appt. with Dr. Gill. I was really surprised that they had found two areas on the PET scan that were of concern, but I don't think it really sunk in for me at that point. Then I had the appt. with Dr. Yee, the lung surgeon, which is the last entry in the blog dated Wed March 26th. Again, the things he had to say must not have really sunk in.

It's interesting to say the least. I mean, I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent female and things that I don't understand, I will ask questions. But to have the information from two different appts. not really sink in has kind of thrown me. It took a few days for me to process the information and then the anxiety started to creep in. By Friday, I was having anxiety/panic attacks and let me tell you, they are very, very scary.

Once I processed the information I realized that this is serious stuff we are talking about. It's not just a 'ok, we have found a few more things, but nothing that a little minor surgery won't fix' and I guess that was how I was looking at it. In fact, the spot on the lung is more than likely a secondary cancer. It's possible it is a primary cancer, but either way, to get rid of it will require lung surgery and that is not considered a minor surgery, even though the spot itself is considered a small spot (just under 1/2 inch).

But what really freaked me out is the concern over the adrenal gland mass. The concern there is that on the PET scan the two spots that lit up were the adrenal mass and the spot on the lung. That means the radioactive tracer that they inject prior to the scan goes through the body and lights up if it finds active cells (which usually indicate cancer)... so this adrenal area now becomes a concern. The problem with this is... IF it is malignant, then it is considered having spread from either the colon cancer or the lung cancer. Either way, this is NOT a good thing and if that is the case, then they more than likely would not do any surgery, for the adrenal gland or the lung spot, because it would be considered spreading and doing surgery would be no better than attempting more chemo. The chemo then would be done to try and slow the progress, but would not be a cure. So you can understand why I started getting very anxious and panicky. I'm not ready for us to be talking comfort care and/or palliative care.

Well, to make a long story still relatively long... I have spoken to my GP (who has prescribed Ativan to help take the edge off the anxiety/panic when it shows up) and his advice is to try not to be scared until we know if there's something to be afraid of. There are factors in my favor that the growth is benign... the fact that I've had it for so long (pre 2001), that it is extremely rare for colon cancer to spread to the adrenal glands and the first of the blood tests showed that my cortisol levels were within normal range so the growth is not producing excess cortisol (we just had more tests done for other hormone and steroid production) and are awaiting those results.

Today, Dr. Gill (oncologist) called me because I had sent her an email on Sunday to let her know that I was having anxiety/panic episodes... so she wanted to know how I was doing today. When I told her it comes and goes and that I am scared, she, too, reiterated not to let my nerves get to me right now. She then explained what the tests are we are doing and why we are doing them. The blood/urinalysis tests are to determine if it is safe to do a fine needle biopsy of the adrenal mass. If the growth was producing excess hormones, etc., then that would have to be gotten under control before doing the biopsy. If these next tests prove to be normal, then we will go ahead with the needle biopsy. It will be THAT biopsy that will tell us if the mass/growth is benign or malignant.

If it is benign, then FANTASTIC!!! It would mean all we have to do is get rid of the lung cancer by surgically removing the spot. Imagine that... being happy that all we have is lung cancer??? Sheesh!!

But that's where I'm at at the moment. Oh... and for all of you who sent emails after the last update... I just want everyone to know I love and appreciate the emails. Likewise, I do appreciate the phone calls, but please don't take it personally if I am not answering the phone. There are days when I just am too tired to talk about it and I don't want to trigger off an anxiety/panic attack. Email, I do usually get around to answering... unless you all write at once... then it does take me a few days to get back to everyone :)

But thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for keeping me in your thoughts... and now, I need everyone to think positive thoughts that the adrenal growth is benign!! We went through pooling our positive thoughts together last year when I was in the hospital and I came through with flying colours, so I'm asking if everyone can work that magic again :)

Oooh... and everyone from work... pass the word... THANK YOU for the cards!! I checked my snail mailbox this morning for the first time in a week and voila... there were your cards!!

Your fighting buddy,

Cheryl